i want out

thats it, i just want out

im sitting here crying this is the last thing i can think of to just get it all out, i dont want to bother anyone anymore but i cant handle this on my own. i want control this is going to be one big run on sentence i just want everything to be how it was.i hate my dads new job it sucks all i hear from my mom is how she hates it and all they do is fight. they fight 24/7.

i dont eat, i dont sleep, i cant do anything right according to my dad

im sick of being sick all the fucking time, no one should have to deal with this shit and if i tell someone all i get is, you just have to deal with it. ive been dealing with it i dont, i cant, i wont anymore

if i eat i make myself throw up why? because thats the only thing i can control now idc if anyone reads things either. i enjoy it, its the one control i have. i hate school.

i hate alexis. she is just a fucking stupid whore she will always be a stupid fucking whore and i hope she gets an std i hope she gets some kind of sickness because she doesnt listen to anyone but herself shes selffish and fyi johns dick isnt big at all sweetheart her just photoshoped it to make you feel better. at least i have the balls to tell john hes a smuck and i dont like him but your too much of a pussy to tell paul you tell me and it bothers me at least i have someone who gives a fly fuck about me and if i ever needed help paul would be there for me and i would be there for him no matter what unlike your little immature asshole of a "boyfriend" he isnt even your boyfriend you dumbass he is just using you like all the other times he did before but your too stupid to even realize that. i can write a whole fucking thing just about you alone at least when you where with kenny he kept you in line but not anymore and its sad i honestly dont think ill miss you when your gone.

i love kristin shes the best <3>

i want to break down, people dont think i have feelings but yes all in all i do i actually do have feelings and there hurt, there hurt bad and i just want someone to talk too, someone to just hang out with me for one day and let me just vent my mind and feel better and cry, i just want to cry but i cant im alexis i never cry i never show any feelings, im not allowed in my families point of view.

i feel trapped and overwhelmed and i cant take it i cant do it i want out, i want out now

i hate this, i hate you, i hate this house, but most of all i hate myself right now i was feeling so good the last month and idk what happened but everyone is allowed a slip up i guess everyone is allowed to feel like complete shit every now and again. yeah im whinning, yeah im crying to a computer screen because no one really gives a fuck about anyone else thats the sad truth.

so lets keep it really this time

im alexis

im silly

i love mankind but i fucking hate people

want to get to know me the real me?

hit me up some time lets have a conversation actually worth having

the fucking end.

yet agian,

im let down.

today i clearly see

there is nothing really to say about what happened just moments ago between me and my boyfriend, just like what he said i don't know what to tell you. yes we did fight yes i did bawl my eyes out and yes i do feel better now. but sometimes reality sucks it just fucking sucks.

no one will read this but at least im able to vent about my problems peaceful this time i swear. no more crying,mumbling or sniffles just a plain here it is and thats it!

june 9th 2009 which is today but maybe one of you might not know. today was a reality check more like ive been raped by reality and it wasn't very pleasurable for both parties. it was something needed. like that saying goes you never know until you try it well i dont like what happened at all, it was unexpected and not enjoyable in the least. but after crying for sometime i talked to a friend. she was right to a degree but then agian everyone can be when you are at a vounerable state.

i cursed, yelled, bitched and stamped my feet at him which maybe wasnt the most nicest thing to do but i was hurt extremely hurt. i told him we needed to talked and we did for like an hour. it felt like a year hontesly but thats ok. to here his voice even if it might not have been the sweet voice im use too it was his and i enjoyed every second of it. things needed to be disussed and they still do. but i kept ignoring what was going to happen over these months looking foward and the fall semester too. its going to be rough but im a tough cookie and me and my boy will make it.

i felt negected and unimportant and i told him this but there isnt anything that could be changed about these feelings which have passed now. sometimes you just need to hear it from the horses mouth how things are what they are and just deal. i want to deal. i want to deal with you by my side.

'do you want to be with me"
"yes"
thats all i needed to hear
in that one word i felt needed and important
and thats all i wanted
thats all any girl wants is be needed and to be important
and he makes me feel that way he does, today he didnt but usally 99.9% of the time he does.

i want to say im sorry. i want to say i shouldnt have been that mean to you. i should never be that cruel to anyone especially the boy i truly do love.

if you ever read this i would like to actually tell you thank you
thank you for being there when i needed you most
thank you for being the boy i always wanted
thank you for telling me how beautiful i am even when i wear sweatpants.
but most of all
thank you for loving me
because no one has ever made the attemps like you do
thank you for making me happy and making me smile
thank you for being you
its been 8 months and i hope to have many more with you <3

this weekend

is so tiring i have been busy since i woke up on friday morning and im happy as a clam that i was!

i love summer not because its grossly hot but because i can be outside like 24/7 and see my friends all the time and kick it with my boyfriend and yeah nice weather is pretty amazing <3

march

school needs to end



and summer needs to begin

i have too

get away
i need to get away
i need to clear my mind

i worry about things that i shouldn't
there fine
they were fucking fine
EVERYTHING WAS FINE AND I DONT GET NOR DO I UNDERSTAND IT WHY I DO THE THINGS I DO TO YOU

no one reads this....

so im just gonna sit here and cry my eyes out